Finding your tribe
In my previous post, I explored the seven circles and invited you to consider who is in your first circle and whether it is time for an overhaul. In this post, I want to share with you my personal experience of finding my tribe and offer some tips for finding your own tribe.
In 2012 on the far side of Bali, without a single traffic light or ATM, I arrived in a place called Tejakula and both a mountain retreat and beachside delight for every part of my senses. I had made a decision to take time away from my family and to travel alone – my first time for both – to attend a week-long art therapy conference with 24 others.
I settled into my accommodation on the beach along with four other women. Apart from two sisters, none of us knew each other. From there we travelled via motor bike to the main road and then up to the top of the mountain in a ute where the retreat was being held. This was to be our twice daily ritual: from the ocean to the mountain, from the mountain to the ocean. The five of us instantly found an incredible bond, soon feeling like friends who had known each other for years.
On the morning of the first session, I felt emotion rising as we approached the mountain top destination. I found myself in an open-air studio in this healing oasis sitting next to the bronze statue of Buddha. Tears of sadness and joy ran down my face.
In that moment and for the rich days that followed I was struck by the realisation that I was here amongst my tribe. I had never known such a feeling of belonging. In fact the whole idea of ‘tribe’ was something I had never even thought about. The fact that I didn’t have a tribe or that I needed to find a tribe had never occurred to me. There I was with a group of 25 strangers feeling more at home, and more seen and validated, than I had ever known.
Amongst this experience of pure sensory delight, experiencing the local rituals and art process, something within me was awakened. This was one of those times in life where I turned a little more towards who I am at the core.
I am so grateful I backed myself enough to take that trip.
This experience quickly set a fire in me, leaving me with a very clear intention before I left Bali: to find my tribe at home that worked in the same professional arena as me – the leadership development space.
I didn’t have to wait too long. Within a week of returning home, I met two of my now closest friends and confidantes via an introduction from a mutual friend. They are very much tribe and we are that for each other.
Over subsequent years I have been very fortunate that this tribe has grown. In terms of the seven circles, that has meant that many of my older friendships, based on outdated versions of me, moved out a circle or two while remaining important in my life.
Having a tribe, my tribe, has helped me learn to express, to connect deeply and to be present for another. In those inevitable hours and days and weeks when I feel overwhelmed (as a highly sensitive person often does – it is a shadow of this trait) or I’ve lost my way, its my tribe that help me remember who I am. Through being able to express and share even the most intimate or terrifying thoughts and feelings, I have been able to heal, to grow and to become a more useful version of me.
I share this story in the hope that it might make a difference to one person, in the choices they make and intentions they set around the people they include in their first circle.
I recognise that having a tribe is not something that everyone yearns for, and if you feel your needs are well met in the first circle just as they are, then that is of course perfectly fine for you (and I hope you have enjoyed reading this little travel blog)
If you do however have an inner yearning to grow or start your tribe, here are some tips that might be useful for you:
- There is a tribe out there for every single one of us but it’s not likely to come and tap you on the shoulder! So set your intention and take action towards finding your tribe.
- Consider people in your life who you think you might like to ‘test’ inviting into the first circle and create opportunities where you can be on your own with this person and ‘put a bit of skin in the game’. This means offering up something personal (a little bit edgy, but not so much that it will make you feel too vulnerable) that you wouldn’t usually share with this person and see where the conversation goes. It’s a bit like putting your foot in the water to test the temperature.
- Sometimes we have to ‘look outside’ our current friends, family and social networks to find our tribe. At least that was my experience – it may not be yours. The best way of doing this is to put yourself into new situations doing something that you love to do (maybe an art class, a wine club, a personal development experience, etc).
- Become a better version of your own tribe – seek out opportunities to learn and grow and develop and reflect and express and write. You could use our to set you on your way with this. This is about becoming a better friend for yourself.
- Perhaps you are a highly sensitive person like me? If you think you might be but you’re not sure, take the HSP test and if that leans you towards a yes or a strong yes, please send me an email. We have a number of ‘HSP in Business’ specific events in Melbourne where you can seek out and connect with other HSPs.
And finally, a closing note of acknowledgement for my tribe:
To my tribe. You know exactly who you are. This is for you.
Thank you from the core of my being for teaching me how:
To be present, by being present,
To listen deeply, by listening deeply,
Not to judge, by never judging,
Not to blame, by never blaming,
To welcome all of our human gifts and imperfections, by welcoming all of my human gifts and imperfections,
To lovingly hold the space for another, by lovingly holding the space for me.
You are the wind beneath my wings, and the light that shines so brightly even in the darkest moments.
I am so deeply grateful that we found each other, and I feel so blessed to be walking this path with you.
With deep gratitude, Nicola x
