There is a lot to navigate right now isn’t there? How are you holding up?
When Dan Andrews announced extensions of stage 4 restrictions for Melbourne Lockdown 2.0 on Father’s Day 2020, the news wasn’t unexpected. In some ways I let it wash over me that day. That night, however, I tossed and turned and did not sleep well.
Monday came around again and as I was looking down the barrel of another week of what felt at the time like Groundhog Day, I awoke feeling overwhelmed and not knowing how I or anyone else was going to endure several more weeks of lockdown. I felt heavy and stuck and I was unable, in that moment, to focus on anything other than doom and gloom.
To compound how I was feeling, I started to feel guilty about feeling that way. Given all that I have to be grateful for in my life I should be able to just think positive thoughts and get on with it.
How often do we give that advice to ourselves and offer or give that advice to others? It has its place but sometimes it’s not helpful and can even be harmful.
Not surprisingly this harsh inner-critic compounded how I was feeling. Luckily for me, with my husband working from home we had some extra time together over breakfast (one of the many gifts that isolation has given us). He was able to be present with me and just listened as I explained to him how I was feeling in that moment. I didn’t hold back and left no stone unturned. He didn’t try and ‘fix’ anything. He was present and he listened. I cried. He passed the tissues and he listened.
After the 10 minutes it took for me to do the offload, he said, ‘I am sorry that you are feeling that way’ and gave me a big hug.
You know what happened then? The veil of heaviness that had surrounded me began to lift. I felt so much lighter. I mustered up the energy for a walk and reflected on that little bit of ‘magic’ that had just transpired. I felt so much better in myself. I was able to refocus on my day and get on with what I had to get done.
I share this story as a reminder of how important it is that we acknowledge the full spectrum of how we are feeling and find a healthy way to express that. Especially at this time, but this is equally important in our day-to-day interactions, life and leadership.
We need to get rid of the story of judging feelings as being ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and learn to welcome and make space for them all. We need to re-frame this idea that we should always focus on the positive, especially when it is at the expense of putting a lid on our so-called ‘negative’ emotions.
I am not suggesting for a moment that we should wallow in self-pity and stay there. What I am suggesting is that if we simply try and put a lid on the things we don’t want to feel then they will stay stuck somewhere in our bodies, wreaking potential havoc there. And they will get a stronger grip on us and keep us stuck there for even longer.
If we can, on the other hand, give these ‘feelings’ what they need – which is often simply to be acknowledged – they can then move through us and we can regain clarity, calm and the perspective that we need to be able to move forward.
You can read the full poem here.
My questions to you:
Are you making space to express all aspects of how you are feeling?
Is there anything you can do differently in supporting others to help them make space for expressing all of how they are feeling?
Please take care. Look after your emotional landscape and of course at any stage you feel any emotion feels too intense for then please get professional support. https://www.ruok.org.au/findhelp
This post shares a personal story and suggests that every human being on the planet right now, in some shape or form, is facing into their own ‘growth edge’. It invites the reader to reflect on what they are noticing in themselves and others in terms of this personal learning and highlights that perhaps the luckiest people right now have leaders and organisations that are providing development and wellbeing support for their people.
Meet Elaine. She is my delightful 84-year-old mother-in law. Elaine left school at age 15 to help with home duties on the family farm and continued in that role all through motherhood and grandmother-hood.
In her lifetime, she has baked tonnes of lemon slice and the arguably the best chocolate cake ever. When she isn’t baking, she pours all her energy and focus into supporting her community and showering us – the family – with her love.
Throughout her lifetime, Elaine has felt no desire for, nor any reason to, use a computer or a smartphone. And so, in March 2020, as the world felt like it was closing in on all of us, we realised that that Elaine would soon be in total isolation. Without even the stilted connectedness the internet offers the rest of us, she would have very limited contact with her her family and friends, and we were concerned about the flow-on impact this would have on her overall wellbeing.
So, without further thought, we purchased her an iPad. In a curious way, one of the first questions she asked was, ‘Why is the keyboard not in alphabetical order?’ She had never used any sort of keyboard in her life, let alone an email address. How much we take for granted! This was completely uncharted territory for her.
The rest is history.
True to form, with her enthusiastic approach to a new challenge, she was up-and-running in no time. The pure delight we witnessed when Elaine had her whole family (across many geographical locations) in front of her on the first Facetime call is a precious moment that will stay in my heart forever.
If you had said to me six months ago that, in the year 2020, Elaine would be making Facetime calls, ordering her groceries and doing her banking online, I would have broken out in laughter!
But she was soon doing all of that. We are so proud of her.
Elaine’s story got me thinking about what the disruption of this year has meant to all of us in terms of the learning we have been somewhat forced to do or had to do in many ways. What became clear to me is that every human being on the planet right now has had to confront their own fear at some level and learn something new, or make some change that they would not have made without the pandemic.
No one is exempt. It has been, and continues to be, a true ‘growth edge’ experience for us all. (Read more about growth edge here)
Do you agree? Where have you noticed this happening?
What are you being asked to or forced to change at this time?
What is your personal growth edge right now?
Some examples from my own ‘growth edge backyard’ are:
- quickly getting up to speed and proficient at creating connection and engagement online so as to be able to effectively deliver team development via an online platform. Like many, I still really don’t like facilitating groups on Microsoft Teams, but at least I know how to do it.
- taming my voice in our family to allow each person an equal say in shaping the healthy boundaries needed for life in isolation in a household of five people (that is, learning to listen better and not assuming I always have the best answer)
- establishing a healthy and productive work rhythm by creating greater structure around my allocated working hours, which in my case means 90 minute cycles then taking a break (here is a great article on this topic).
Most clients that I am currently working with are struggling with many aspects of work and life – juggling home schooling, too many hours on Zoom and experiencing other financial and social pressures. It’s the norm rather than the exception right now.
What is being demanded of people by this pandemic in terms of growing and changing for many feels heavy and hard. I am also noticing, however, that the luckiest people during this time work in organisations and with leaders that recognise the need for, and are investing in, the wellbeing and development of their people. It is from this support base, that people can begin to make sense of themselves and their own experiences and begin to see some reward and celebration of their efforts on the other side.
The benefits flow on, as when this growth edge can be applied within a broader team context, it is even more powerful. As individuals grow and change and are able to be more vulnerable and courageous with themselves – as 84-year-old Elaine has demonstrated so well, and when they can do this with their teams as well, then team culture can grow in ways that are good for all.
Could you or your team do with support right now? Please get in touch to book your team development – delivered remotely of course.
This blog post introduces readers to a unique individual and team development experience – The Flow Game. The Flow Game gets to the heart of what needs to change in the way the team is operating and in doing so creates clarity, grows connection and grounds action. It is a powerful process for leadership and team evolution as it provides a much-needed space for reflection, expression and connection.
Where did the Flow Game originate?
The Flow Game (www.flowgame.net) has its origins in Denmark back in the 1990’s and is now being played across the globe for individuals and teams as a way of finding clarity together. There are eight stewards of the game across the globe, including three of the original founders (Vanguards) – Toke Paludan Møller, Monica Nissen and Jan Hein Nielsen.
I have been extremely fortunate to be a student of the Flow Game for several years now, and have reaped the rewards both personally and professionally that come with this practice. In 2019, I was formally accredited as a Flow Game host and this coincided with the release of the Team Deck of cards. Since then, the Flow Game has become an integral part of my leadership & team development toolkit.
Why you might ask?
Because quite simply put – The Flow Game surfaces what really needs to change (based on the collective question of the group), creates alignment and before people have even left the room many of the internal barriers to change are no longer there. A new lease of energy, connection and grounded action is available for the team. This is cultural change and leadership in action.
What is the Flow Game?
The Flow Game isn’t a conversational game as you might expect– it is more about reflecting and sharing and listening without the need to interrupt or judge or fix or justify or explain. The process helps us to slow down and fall into our true nature and helps us to learn a very different way of being together and interacting in a conscious way. From that place new awareness and insight is surfaced and the action that we need to take becomes clear. The flow game in its essence helps individuals, teams and groups to:
- Create clarity
- Grow connection (self, others & to vision, values purpose), and
- Define and agree action
- Create (desired) change
The Seven different perspectives in the flow game
1.Blue River of the EAST – Vision
The creative and visionary side of leadership and seeing the big picture
2.Yellow River of the SOUTH – Community
The ability to empathize, connect, inspire, engage, align and attune
3.Green River of the WEST – Action
The ability to bring vision into meaningful action and ‘get things done’
4.Red River of the NORTH (Red) – Courage
Having the courage to walk new paths, break new ground, lead the way
In addition to the four rivers – dimensions or directions of our personal leadership there are two more aspects to consider:
5. Above (Heaven) – heaven speaks to our highest aspirations and powers that are greater than we are.
6.Below (Earth) – earth below is our ground, the foundation we stand on. It gives us a sense of reality and demands our presence here and now.
7.My/Our Question/Intention –The focus or intention is formulated as a question, which sits in the centre of the game. Together we then explore and illuminate the intention/s from the other six perspectives of the game.
Source: www.flowgame.net
Three Versions
There are three different card decks that are used for different purposes:
- Personal,
- Team &
- Family/community
Within that context, there are multiple possibilities for the way the game can be played as it can be designed around an individual or group intention (question) or a combination of both.
As a flow host community, we are constantly evolving and exploring new ways to design and host the game for varying contexts and needs.
A Burning Question
The flow game is a process – and it’s a powerful one but it is important to note that it’s not the panacea for every presenting issue or challenge. The important thing is that the individual/s or team has a burning question that they are seeking clarity on and that the invitation to, and the design of the game is set up in a way that honors the people, the process and the situation/question.
The need and intent and the membership of the group first must be clear and we then design the game around that.
Different Applications
Three of the ways that The Flow game is currently being used in a business and community context are:
1. Team Development
When working with an intact team, a great place to start is with a shared/collective question or intention. This is where the Team Cards are used. This may progress to a round using the Personal Cards however in this context – a generic question would be applied for each member of the team. For example, “given what we now know about the team, what does that mean me? “would be applied generally. The design will of course depend on the need, intent and membership of the group.
2. Leadership Development
Depending on the need, intent and membership of the group (for example it is often easier to be vulnerable with people we don’t know than with people we do know) ,the flow game can be integrated into an existing Leadership Development Program at the start of the shared learning journey, midway during the experience or as a way of integrating and coming to closure and grounded action at the end of a Leadership Development Program. Team, Personal and Family/Community Cards can all be applied in this context.
In today’s hectic world at a time when it is so easy to fall into the trap of being overwhelmed by feelings of “busy and important”, the Flow Game offers the essential time required to reflect and do the important deep-thinking essential for conscious choice and action – Participant
3. Cultural Evolution
The flow game is a powerful way to create clarity and alignment at an individual and collective level and this is where it fits to support and enable cultural evolution. In one specific application, it is being used in the implementation of the cultural change journey. Stage 1 was one was about defining purpose, vision, values and strategy and stage 2 is about bringing that to life. The Flow game is being leveraged as part of the team and leadership development journey with the collective question: Given our overall direction, “What is our responsibility to bring this to life?. It is also being used with the leaders of this change to create clarity and alignment around leading this change.
How many people can play?
The flow game is typically played with 2-8 players – however that too can be flexible. For example, it can be utilized in an executive coaching session with one person all the way through to a conference with many people. It is possible to have multiple games being played concurrently and has been done with great success in many settings.
While there are many different applications of The Flow Game, the essence of what it delivers at both an individual and team level remains the same:
- Clarity
- Connection
- Action
- Change
It is from this place that we can live, lead and be together consciously and create healthy high-performing teams.
Evolving Leaders was established in 2014 with the purpose of evolving the consciousness of leaders to make the world a better place. The Flow Game is a powerful partner in this work. We are greatly indebted to the founders of the game and the international flow host community that continues to evolve this practice.
Interested in a Team Flow experience? Please get in touch.
This post includes our vision for the ‘human’ teams and organisations of the future that we need to be designing and creating right now to respond and flourish in a rapidly changing world. We call these ‘human organisations’. The post includes the characteristics of a human organisation to help you do a ‘mini-audit’ on the health of your own team/organisation.
“A culture in which everyone could overcome their own internal barriers to change and use errors and vulnerabilities as prime opportunities for personal and company growth.”
– Robert Kegan in Everyone Culture: Becoming a deliberately developmental organisation
Almost anyone who has worked in an organisation has experienced at least some of the aspects of disconnection that have become commonplace in workplaces everywhere. Too often businesses seem to lose sight of the fact that they are, at their core, the sum of the humans of which they are composed. There is ample evidence that this needs to change if businesses are serious about flourishing in the complexity of today’s world.
What is a human organisation?
Human organisations are ‘well’ organisations that are on a deliberate and focussed developmental and cultural evolutionary pathway towards full spectrum consciousness.
There are two central threads that are the woven foundations of a human organisation:
Connection – Connection to self, connection to each other, connection to purpose and vision and connection to the people they serve; and
Accountability – Accepting and embracing accountability to self, each other, the reality (role, team, goal, project, organisation) and holding self and others to account.
Human organisations exude a healthy vibrant culture in which people are inspired to bring out the best possible versions of themselves. In human organisations, people perform at their best without being coaxed or bribed to do so. Instead of reverting to immature behaviours of blame and justification when they come to work, they see themselves as well-rounded adults whose task is to make a meaningful contribution and to help others do likewise.
The result is far more significant contributions from many more people, and a lot less wasted time and emotional energy. The result is greater success in traditional business measures (e.g. profitability and customer satisfaction) as well as improved wellbeing, increased engagement and sustainable human potential.
What are the characteristics of a human organisation?
Some of the characteristics you’re likely to see in a human organisation include:
- Customers feel listened to and their needs are meet at a level beyond their expectations because employees deeply care and feel cared for and supported by the organisation.
- Leadership is less about position than it is about mindset and behaviour. Everyone in the organisation is capable of being recognised as a leader through the way they behave and the choices they make, through supporting others and taking personal responsibility rather than resorting to blame, justification and denial. No one is seen as a leader unless they demonstrate leadership in this way, regardless of their position or title.
- Purpose driven: there is a clear and central ‘why’ that is harvested and activated by the people for the people. It is a grounded source of energy and focus that clarifies, inspires and informs decisions, action and behaviour.
- People are motivated through feeling valued. There is an alignment between what matters to them, the work they do and the workplace culture.
- Connection – real, human connection – with courage and compassion are at the heart of everything that is done within the organisation and for those it serves. Get Connected
- People feel empowered to make choices. High levels of confidence, personal awareness, and accountability exist throughout the organisation.
- People are held to account – They know what is expected of them in their roles and how they ‘show up’ and there are efficient and effective practices and leadership capability to manage this effectively.
- People take responsibility for their own development in a culture of learning and growing.
- People feel a sense of belonging. It feels safe for people to fully show up as who they are and make a meaningful contribution with their unique skills, strengths and preferences. The workplace and its practices are diverse and inclusive and team members experience high levels of psychological safety which results in higher levels of team performance.
- People are highly engaged, feeling a greater sense of connection with their own sense of purpose, with their colleagues and as co-contributors to the organisation’s success in terms of profitability, wellbeing and benefit to the community.
- Internal divisions and turf wars are minimised. Shared values and purpose provide the framework for conversations, decision-making and behaviour. Strategy, culture, purpose and wellbeing are aligned.
- People listen to one another.
- Innovation and creativity are well understood, practised and regarded as ways the organisation can ‘separate itself from the crowd’.
- Reflective practices are woven into the fabric of the organisation. This may include specific mindful moments in meetings, the way performance conversations are had, allocated time and expectations for people to build reflective practice into their weekly rhythm.
- Time and space to think and learn are valued. The space is created to allow people to get to know each other and to reflect on the learning from projects and other experiences they encounter in their day to day. This becomes a part of the daily, weekly, monthly and annual rhythm.
You may like to pause and reflect for a moment here:
- What is the current state of health of your team or organisation?
- What are the strengths that you can build on?
- What areas do you need to bring greater focus to?
- What is one step you can take this week to get started?
Where it starts
Ignoring the need to make your organisation more human is to turn a blind eye to what we know requires a new level of response. It is no longer an option to stand still. The teams and organisations that will thrive and attract the best people are the ones that make the courageous and bold step to begin this developmental, leadership and cultural evolution journey.
However, it needs to be recognised that human organisations are not created overnight. They need to be imagined and designed ‘by the people, for the people’, then given the guidance, investment, nourishment and support they need to grow.
The shift towards a human organisation begins with bringing new awareness to the leadership team about the possibilities of becoming such an organisation. We help leaders to make the connection between the cycle of pain, dysfunction, cultural entropy and poor performance that they may be experiencing in their teams and organisations and bring focus to the antidote for this – which is intentionally growing and creating ‘human organisations’.
Initial steps often involve understanding the current stage of cultural maturity and the cultural evolution required for the team /organisation to evolve to a level of cultural maturity that will enable the business aspirations, measurement of the existing organisational culture, beginning the conversation around organisational purpose and vision and igniting the learning journey for leaders and their teams.
A key part of the learning here is about helping leaders to better understand the visible and invisible forces driving, engagement, wellbeing and performance in the organisational eco-system. A great basis for this conversation and to help build understanding of the organisation as a whole interconnected system is Ken Wilbur’s four quadrant model. It helps to bring a ‘whole of system’ focus and is a great basis for surfacing what is currently helping and what is hindering the organisation’s progress, ahead of then designing a roadmap for cultural and leadership evolution.
If all this sounds just too complex and difficult right now, may I offer one powerful snippet of wisdom:
Connection and Accountability are the golden threads that are woven throughout a human organisation.
In every moment – thought, action, word, decision – we have a choice. We can choose to move towards disconnection or we can choose to move toward connection. In that very action we are being accountable to ourselves, each other and our workplaces.
I choose to grow connection.
What do you choose?
In my next post, I will explore the personal leadership that is required to grow a human team/organisation.
The previous post outlined why reflective practice is a leadership super power and surfaced some of the richness that reflection brings. This post explores three of the barriers to creating space and time to reflect and provides you with a structure to get started.
My previous blog post explored why reflective practice is a leadership super power and surfaced some of the benefits and insights that reflection helps us with. In this post I want to explore three of the internal barriers to getting started and provide you with a framework and some great questions to inspire you to do it anyway!
The reality is that reflective practice is something most people, including most leaders, have never done. We live in a society, and certainly in workplaces, in which ‘doing’ and ‘tasks’ are what are valued and creating space to reflect and learn is far from the reality.
Three main barriers to reflective practice
There are three main barriers that get in the way of us creating space and therefore creating the environment to reflect:
- We don’t schedule it/plan for it/turn up for it
- We don’t value it – ‘Why would I bother doing that?’
- We think that what it might show up for us feels too daunting and scary – so it is safer/better not to do it at all
Let’s explore these:
- We don’t schedule it/plan for it/turn up for it
In my earlier ‘Five keys to creating conscious change and restoring wellbeing’ post, I introduced the 5S leadership self-care model. The first S in this model talks about making ‘space’ – carving out space – which means scheduling it into your calendar and creating the conditions to support that schedule (such as finding the best environment for you to be able to bring your full focus to the intended activity: reflection).
Even if you do schedule time for reflective practice, it can be all too easily get ‘bumped’ for something more ‘important’ that appears on your to-do list. The biggest tip I can offer here is schedule it and show up fully for yourself – no excuses. Treat it as you would a meeting with your boss or a client.
2. We don’t value it – ‘Why would I bother doing that?
If we don’t understand the benefits of a new practice, we won’t value it. My hope is that if this is new for you, that some of what has been explored in the previous post will help you to at least feel tempted to give it a go. Perhaps ask around and connect with another leader who you know does use reflective practice and ask them personally about why they do it and how they go about doing it.
3. We think that what it might show up for us feels too daunting and scary – so it is safer/better not to do it at all
In a crazy-busy life, we often have a backlog of things we need to process and make sense of. If this is the case for you, then carving out space can feel quite daunting and even scary. Why?
Because sometimes we keep ourselves so busy because that means we don’t have to look at and face up to what is really happening and true for us. If we don’t look towards this stuff and keep running from it, then we don’t need to have that honest conversation with ourselves or another, and we won’t need to make a choice or decision that may mean change. Right?
This can be a sensible and even worthy strategy in the short term, depending on life circumstances. However, in the medium to longer term it will catch up with us. If we keep ‘shying away’ from what we know is true for us and pretending that everything is okay – if we don’t start to face up to what is really true for us – we can begin to compromise the very core of our being. That doesn’t serve you, the situation or anybody else.
Can you relate to any of the above? What is standing in the way of you reflecting?
Getting started with reflective practice
Here is a framework that might help to get you started:
- Schedule it
- Show up for it
- Structure it
Option 1
- Recall and review: identify a recent situation/event/conversation/feeling/trigger that you want to explore. Capture the key points you recall, replay the conversation in your head and/or begin the process of a written journal.
- What are the key learnings?
- What did you notice?
- What did you say?
- How did you feel?
- What were you most proud of?
- What were you not so proud of?
- What do you now understand about yourself?
- What do you now understand about the situation?
- Set direction with what you now understand about yourself. The situation, the other person, etc. What will you do differently next time? What is your intention and course of action from here?
Option 2
Thinking about the past week or month, ask yourself the following questions:
- What am I most proud of?
- When have I felt triggered by a particular situation or event?
- What made me feel that way?
- What can I observe/learn about myself in this situation?
- What action do I need to take from here (if any?)
Leaders who thrive are those who care enough about themselves and those they lead to do this – to look in their own backyard and do their own self-work.
Still feeling too tough? You don’t have to go it alone. A good way to start might be to get yourself a leadership coach who can ‘hold the space’ for you so you can begin a gentle journey inwards.
I also recommend the host of resources referred to in my ‘Five keys to creating conscious change and restoring wellbeing’ post. Perhaps you simply feel ready to grab a notebook and get started?
To reiterate the closing words in my last post:
One of the greatest leadership/life challenges is knowing who we are and what matters to us at our core AND not letting the busyness of life and a multitude of external distractions pull us away from that.
One thing is guaranteed: unless you deliberately and regularly carve out space to engage in reflective practice and take a balcony perspective, life will pull you off course from your centre – from who you are and what matters to you.
If you do build a reflective practice into your rhythm in life, the conversations might be tougher but the outcomes will also be richer.
The choice is yours. What do you choose?
The previous post involved a personal story that highlighted the shifts that can happen when we make space to reflect. This post builds on that example and explores other benefits of reflection, why the reflective practice is a leadership super power and how to build it as a practice into your own way of being.
Leaders whom I work with in a coaching capacity often comment that during our time together they experience a sense of space and an absence of judgement. They appreciate the chance to slow down and reflect. It’s from this place that clarity and insight become available resulting in better decisions, choices and outcomes.
To be truly conscious, awake and aware of both your inner landscape and the outer terrain of work and life requires a paradigm shift for leaders about the importance of something I believe is a leadership ‘super- power’: reflective practice.
I wish I could find a better term for it than ‘reflective practice’ – I know it sounds more like something that nuns would prescribe as a punishment at boarding school than a leadership super power. (Perhaps you can suggest a better name?)
Nevertheless, it’s the sentiment rather than the name that is important.
Reflective practice needs to become something that happens not just in a formal setting such as coaching. Rather, it needs to extend to become an integrated part of your daily, weekly, monthly and yearly modus operandi as a leader.
What is reflective practice?
Joseph A Raelin, in his article‘”I don’t have time to think” versus the art of reflective practice’,defines reflection as:
‘the practice of periodically stepping back to ponder the meaning of what has recently transpired to ourselves and to others in our immediate environment. It illuminates what the self and others have experienced, providing a basis for future action.’
How does reflective practice help?
As highlighted in the personal story in my previous post, often when we are in the middle of a situation, particularly a stressful one, we cannot maintain the perspective we need to be able to see the situation holistically. It’s only when we create the space and time to reflect that we are able to ‘step off the dance floor’ and get a broader ‘balcony’ perspective of what’s going on. The outcome? Insight, insight, insight. Insight about how you showed up effectively (or not so effectively). A greater capacity to see the perspective of others. The opportunity to identify what ‘triggers’ you and to explore why. The chance to bring light to a problem that may have felt impossible to solve, creating new options and a clear pathway forward.
Why does this matter? Because the consequence of not making time to reflect is quite possibly collateral damage to projects and relationships; damage that is inevitable when we operate completely in action and reaction.
Perhaps you can recall a specific example of where this may have happened to you? Or the opposite: can you think of a time when you did create the time and space to reflect on a challenge and experienced a positive outcome as a result?
What are the benefits?
Some of the benefits of reflective practice are:
- Seeing below the surface to reveal what really is happening. Reflective practice can make the invisible visible. For instance, it can bring to the surface a personal value that might be important to yourself or others and that might explain why a conversation/ outcome/ situation went in a particular direction.
- Restoring wellbeing:
- A simple shift from ‘doing’ constantly to taking space out to ‘be’ helps our nervous system to restore balance (Blog: Mastering thinking and doing AND feeling and being).
- A dose each of compassion and self-compassion will go a long way towards resolving something that doesn’t feel so good so that you can let it move through you (Blog: Are you being a good friend to yourself?)
- Reflective practice opens the opportunity for gratitude. Research has shown that the practice of gratitude has many positive benefits (https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/benefits-gratitude-research-questions/ )
- Connecting the dots. With reflective practice we may begin to see connections between behaviours, actions or situations that previously didn’t appear to be connected. For example, when I learned that one of the personal values of a colleague was ‘control’, I started to understand some of the ways she was behaving in our collaboration. I had previously I felt that her behaviour was out of character and not really serving our partnership. This provided an opportunity to open up the conversation. Connecting the dots can also happen within our own internal landscape. To share a personal example: understanding that the reason I was overprotective of my daughter stemmed from an experience in my past in which I didn’t feel safe.
- Insight, insight, insight. Reflective practice ignites learning about ourselves and the people and world around us. This is essential if we want to live and lead consciously and learn and grow.
- Strengthening connections: with ourselves – what matters to us at our core – and in our relationships with other people.
- Shifting you out of a reactive mindset to allow constructive ‘above the line’ responses. Reflective practice will make you less likely to react and add fuel to what might already be a difficult situation. You are more likely to ‘discharge the heat’ and approach the next conversation in a more open and constructive manner. ( If this concept is new to you – check out this 3 minute u-tube – it’s a concept well worth knowing)
One of the greatest leadership/life challenges is knowing who we are and what matters to us at our core while also not letting the busyness of life and a multitude of external distractions pull us away from that.
One thing is guaranteed: unless you deliberately and regularly carve out space to engage in reflective practice and take a balcony perspective, life will pull you off course from your centre – from who you are and what matters to you.
On the other hand, if you do build reflective practice into the rhythm of your life, the conversations might be tougher but the outcomes will be so much richer.
In my next post, I outline one of the big road blocks that many people experience in getting started with reflection and provide some tips and great questions to get you started.
This post highlights the importance of space and time to reflect away from the ‘noise’ of life to refocus on what matters so that we can see different perspectives, shift energy and beliefs that are stagnant and move forward with a clear and healthy intention that can restore connection.
This week I am working remotely from Bright in north-east Victoria. It’s become the space that I take to regroup, reflect and refocus a few times a year. I never really know what is going to surface at these times but have learned to just create space and get out of my own way. What surfaced on day one this week took me a little by surprise.
But first – a little of the back story so it makes sense.
A month ago my eldest daughter (age 19) announced that she was heading overseas on a solo adventure for seven – s-e-v-e-n – months to Japan and South East Asia then finishing in India and Nepal. I have witnessed Amelia working three jobs to save the funds for her adventure along with the clarity and conviction in her decision to defer from her second year of university. I have also known for some months that the trip was coming. But her intention had been to travel with a friend – the whole ‘travelling alone’ thing was new. And it really sent me into a spin. In fact, I went into a whole fear-based reaction that left me with nightmares about abduction in Japan. I had broken sleep, waking up asking myself ‘Is this really happening, or did I dream it?’ I was generally motionless and speechless for a day or two as I tried to process the news.
From Fear to Courage
Over the days that followed, I started to move beyond my own fear-based reaction. I was able to step a little more off the dancefloor and up to the balcony and a broader perspective. I was then able to see and be present with the extraordinary courage of this amazing young woman. Here I was a short jog away from 50 and I have never done anything as seemingly courageous as this. My broader perspective helped me to re-frame a number of beliefs and stories that were much more useful:
- If anyone’s got what this takes, she does. She’s street smart, savvy and quick to think and act when she needs to.
- She always attracts amazing people into her life. She knows how to have fun and have deep honest conversations and connection with people so interesting people are always drawn to her.
- From the moment she was born, she has always been well and truly looking out into this wondrous world – this is just who she is. She has work to do in the world and this is the natural next step – into the world.
- If life is not a daring adventure – then what is it?
- She’s ready to step away from home – and if we’re honest with ourselves, we’re ready for her to take that step away from home too. (We’re a bit over being treated like a hotel and in many ways, this is payback time – as I recall doing exactly the same with my mum.)
Secretly (or perhaps not so secretly now) there is also a part of me that would love to head out into the world just as she is, into an adventure into the unknown…
Roll forward to yesterday – day one in this next week of space in Bright.
I had been feeling something was stuck energetically in me all day long and I was getting frustrated because I should be working/ writing/ planning/ thinking … doing something! Then inspiration struck me. What was needed was a walk by the river with the dog, revealing in the present moment through the dog’s pure joy as she chased the ducks (no hope of catching them) and fetched sticks along the Ovens River.
Perhaps you have had a similar experience too? Trying so hard to ‘do’ and needing to make a decision just to ‘be’? I surprise myself at how often I fall into this same trap.
The Realisation
As I sat on the riverside listening to the birds and watching the water flowing over the rocks, I was struck by something in relation to my daughter. It was time to make a choice – a choice to let go. I hadn’t explicitly been thinking about her travel that day but clearly it was right there not too far from the surface, waiting to be revealed when I finally found the space to reflect.
‘“To let go means to let be. When we let be with compassion – things come and go on their own’
Jack Kornfield
Emotion rose and tears rolled down my cheeks as this energy that had been ‘stuck’ started to move through me – the realisation that that I had been emotionally holding on to my ‘baby girl’ for too long now.
I spent the next hours journaling and reflecting on what it meant as a mother to ‘let go’ with compassion and to ‘let be’. I also called on Google for some parenting advice and came across the following statement: ‘The most productive relationship for adult children is for them taking primary responsibility for their lives and parents acting as their consultants’. Okay. Yep. Well, that makes sense – I could certainly transition to that, if that’s what Amelia needs.
Change and Transition
In my work supporting leaders to navigate change in organisations I have often spoken about ‘change’ being the external act – the decision to go overseas, the leaving home, etc. in this situation. But then equally I bring focus onto the transition that change brings – that is the internal emotional changes that must happen through the cycle of emotions to arrive at acceptance. I could now see that clearly Amelia and I (and the whole family in fact) were in the midst of an important life transition.
‘Space’ Creates Insight
I’m not in the habit of always sharing personal stories on this blog however I share this story as a great example of the need to carve out pockets of space in our lives and/or moments to take a balcony perspective. Unless we do that, it can be difficult to see what is right under our nose.
Had I stayed in Melbourne this week, I would still be ‘holding on’, not seeing that it’s high time to let this gorgeous, creative, amazing, strong, self-focussed angel spread her wings.
Being a big fan of the healing power of ritual, right there by the river yesterday I carefully chose three healthy green gum leaves. As a I released them into the free-flowing water of the Ovens, from deep within the core of my being and surrounded with so much love I spoke these words:
“I choose to let you go.”
And I did.
Are you needing some space in your life right now to give yourself permission to do some inner processing? Schedule a conversation with Nicola to discuss how Leadership Coaching or our new Coaching Program – Cultivating Well for senior women can work for you or the people in your organisation.
In my next post I will explore why the practice of reflection is a leadership ‘super power’ and how to build it into your own leadership rhythm.
This post was orginally published in 2018
This post explores compassion and self-compassion through a personal story and invites the reader to reflect on their own levels of self-compassion based in the work of Kristin Neff.
Late last year I had a call from my daughter’s teacher. Chiara (age 15) was midway through a nine-week personal leadership experience based at Snowy River Campus in East Gippsland (provided by the Victorian government’s School for Student Leadership initiative).
The teacher shared with me the wonderful level of commitment, enthusiasm, goal achieving and social contribution that Chiara was making. When I asked her what she saw as the greatest development area for Chiara, she replied without hesitation in two simple words: greater self-compassion.
While this was not a surprise to me to hear someone else – with an opinion that I valued – reflect this back to me, I had a sinking feeling in my heart.
Instantly feeling ‘at fault’ as a mother (as we mothers can do so masterfully), I found myself thinking about the role model that I had been and still was for my daughter. I started wondering why it is often the case that those people who are the most kind and compassionate and loving to others find it hard to provide this same nourishment and nurturing for themselves?
It also got me thinking about the drivers that can contribute to this way of being. There’s the personal focus on external measures of success that are driven by an internal tendency to not feel good enough or worthy enough. These measures often create a false or short-lived sense of success. There are things that society values and that get rewarded in school, in the community and at home – being a ‘good girl’ and looking out for others, for instance. There are those things that take us away from feeling worthy of loving ourselves in the same way that we intrinsically offer love to the people in our lives.
‘Self-compassion is a measurable trait. In 2003 no-one had defined or measured it. In 2017 there were 1340 studies on self-compassion. Self-compassion is strongly linked to wellbeing.’ [ Source: Neff 2018
What is it to be compassionate?
Meet Chiara. Chiara is a gentle, kind and compassionate teenager who is wise beyond her years. She has natural care and concern for all living things – people, pets, trees. She takes great care in rescuing the spider or bug from her bedroom and returning it to the natural environment. She is empathic – she knows how others are feeling. She’s the kid who’ll notice the person in the corner who’s been excluded and approach them to make them feel not alone. She is the granddaughter who asks her nana from a place of genuine interest, ‘How are you Nanna? What’s been happening in your day?’, instead of a typical teenage response of a one-way street and it being all about her. She’s the first to make you a cup of tea if she senses you are out of sorts or need a bit of love.
Chiara is the kid who takes time morning and night to sit on the ground with the dog and give her some real care and attention. Each morning she appears at your side just like a pussy cat and wraps you in a blanket of love to start your day. Yes, we are truly blessed to have her in our lives.
So you see? She is actually one of the most compassionate people I know and such a great teacher to me and to her sisters and peers. Compassion is the essence of this young lady. She knows it well.
Turning this compassion that she knows so well into watering and nourishing herself – that would appear to be the next step in her learning journey. And I know she is not alone. I for one need to turn up this dial on self-compassion. Perhaps you do too?
This might help:
In the later part of 2018, I attended a workshop with Kristin Neff, a world expert on self-compassion. Part of what she offered was a radical shift to ‘relate to self’ in new ways.
Kristen defines self-compassion as:
- being a good friend to yourself
- treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend; and
- holding pain with love.
She took us through a three-part reflective process, which I would like to offer you here:
Part 1
Allow a friend to arise in your mind’s eye. Allow a close friend who is suffering in some way to appear in your mind’s eye, in a situation where you are feeling resilient and strong.
Close your eyes and ask yourself this question: How would I treat this close friend?
What are the types of things you would say to your friend?
What tone do you use?
What’s your body posture like?
What type of non-verbal gestures do you use?
Part 2
Allow to arise in your mind’s eye a situation where you failed at something important to you or you are having a hard time.
What do you say to yourself when you are struggling?
How did you say it?
What is your body posture?
How do you relate to yourself when you are struggling?
Part 3
Do you notice any patterns of difference between how you treat yourself when struggling and how you treat others when they are?
What did you discover about how you treat yourself/others?
Perhaps you might like to share your reflection with a friend?
In our work with leaders – amidst the harsh demands of work and life, the absence of self-compassion is palpable. In our quest to be better, do better, earn more, get the promotion, any notion of self-compassion gets lost.
I invite you to explore the wonderful books and resources that are available on Kristin’s website.
Is there one small step you can take toward greater self-compassion?
PS. Chiara is now several months back from her life-changing leadership experience. The young lady we have here with us now is more confident, self-empowered and self-aware than I thought was possible in such a short space of time. She’s made decisions and choices this year to show more self-compassion and of her own accord has continued a daily journaling practice. She’s followed her inner-knowing and desire to do things that bring her joy (she practices yoga several times a week, walks the dog regularly and is playing netball for the first time). She is also a daily reminder to me that I have a choice.